Smiling: Non-essential

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At some point in one’s life, almost everyone has been told to “smile more.” If you look at any traditional, 1950s depiction of a housewife fulfilling traditional gender roles, you would most likely see a beautiful woman presenting a large, gleaming, and soothing smile with perfectly white teeth. The images or paintings never show a woman with a resting, emotionless face.

 

Audrey Hepburn, an actress, humanitarian, style icon, and one of the most influential figures of the 20th century continues to be idolized and loved. One of Hepburn’s most popular quotes that is used commonly in Instagram captions or millennial wall posters is “I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls.” The quote is interesting, as clearly Hepburn is saying that even when one is down, smiling and displaying the appearance of happiness will make you attractive and make everything better. I continue to be inspired by Audrey Hepburn, as she was an incredible person on and off screen. This quote also used to inspire me. It made sense to me to smile through any grief. People enjoy happy faces, not frowns or displays of unhappiness.

 

Being told “put on a happy face,” “smile,” “stop frowning,” “you look miserable,” never bothered me. In elementary school, I was often told I looked “upset” all of the time by my classmates, even when I was in a pleasant mood. According to my peers, I had “resting bitch face,” meaning that my face, at rest, looks irritable. I consider myself an outgoing and overall happy person, so I always try to appear as happy as possible. It was not until the #MeToo Movement started when I realized that being told to “smile more” was unacceptable.

 

I’ve worked internships and jobs since I was 15. I have had incredible internship and job experiences and took valuable lessons away from each experience. When I was 15, at my first internship, the #MeToo Movement was not a thing. There was no discussion of the now infamous names: Harvey Weinstein, Roger Ailes, or Matt Lauer. During that internship at age 15, I was not only approached and hit on by men who were clearly over the ages of 35 and wore wedding rings, but, I was referred to as “the blonde,” “cute as a button,” and was even told to “sit there and look pretty.” When I had the ability to offer my own creative comments or ideas in meetings, I was patronized and people acted astonished that I could possibly offer anything of value. I remember hearing “oooh, she’s smart too?” after leading an intern presentation for higher-ups in the office.

 

I was uncomfortable by what I was called and how I was treated, but, I figured it was normal behavior and that being called the “cute one” was endearing. I did not realize that the men looking at me up-and-down as though I was a prime piece of meat, while I was only 15, was unacceptable.

 

There was major defining day during a summer internship while I was 17, approaching my senior year of high school. The day was filled with meetings in the office building surrounded by large urban high rises, restaurants, and boutique stores.

 

I decided I needed a cappuccino to wake up and headed to the relaxing coffee shop during my break. I got on the crowded but silent elevator to head down to the lobby. An older man with sweat dripping from his forehead, wearing a pinstripe suit, and holding a chocolate colored brief case entered the elevator. The man stood near me and stared right into my face.

The man continued to stare at me and said “What is your deal? Why do you look so upset?” “Oh, I’m fine,” I replied, shocked that anyone even spoke to me on the elevator. “No, you look upset. What happened? Your forehead looks creased. What’s your deal? You would look much prettier if you just put a smile on.” I told him I was “tired, but in a fine mood,” then I turned away, hoping he would leave me alone. He did not. “Come on. Haven’t you ever heard the word ‘smile?’ S-M-I-L-E. Come on. Look at me. Look happy. Smile. Something or someone has to make you happy.” I turned to the man, gritted my teeth at him, and said “There.” The man said it was “better than nothing” and exited the elevator on the second floor.

 

I was pleased he was finally gone. The man had embarrassed me in front of many people in a very crowded elevator. When I got off the elevator and started walking through the lobby, a 20- something-year-old boy who had been standing behind me on the elevator tapped my shoulder.

 

The boy was tall, wore a suit, his hair gelled to perfection, and was either an intern or new to the office. He smiled, and for a brief moment, I assumed he would say something supportive after watching me be humiliated by the old man on the elevator.

 

However, the boy stared at me and said “You know, you do look like you’re pissed. I’ve seen you around the office. You always look angry. You always look irritated. What is your deal? Are you single? Maybe you just need a boyfriend or a cute guy to make you happy. That’s probably the best way to make you look less miserable. You could be gorgeous if you looked happier.”

Without saying a word, I rolled my eyes, and walked out of the office, prouder than ever to have “resting bitch face.”

 

Looking back on that day, I realized that what I went through was harassment. What I was told was demeaning and dehumanizing. However, the saddest part about it all, is that it is far from uncommon.

 

I have read multiple articles about similar stories and have spoken to friends and female family members who have shared similar and oftentimes worse stories from internships or jobs. Women are abused, assaulted, mistreated, dehumanized, and harassed daily. Although the #MeToo Movement has brought positive change, the fight against sexism and harassment is far from over.

 

What is shocking to me is that being told to “smile more,” does not necessarily seem like a horrible thing to be told, until it is you being taunted.

 

As an aspiring TV reporter and news anchor, I work hard to have the perfect smile. In middle school, I had my natural tooth gap closed and wore Invisalign braces to straighten my teeth. Every day, I brush my teeth with a Philips Sonicare DiamondClean Toothbrush, I had a $500 sonic teeth-whitening procedure and currently use bleach whitening trays each day, followed by my Waterpik whitening flosser, whitening mouthwash, and my retainer at night.

 

The other day, while having nothing to do during the stay-home-order, I put my whitening trays in, used a mud mask, and just looked at myself in the mirror. When looking into my reflection, I was proud of myself for taking care of my skin and maintaining my perfect smile. But then I thought, “why am I using these whitening trays, bleaching my teeth, ultimately making my teeth sensitive, and possibly hurting my gums?” I told myself it was because I wanted a beautiful smile for being on TV. Although that is certainly a factor as to why I care about having beautiful teeth, I wondered if the real reason I was doing all of this was to appear “happier” and more pleasant. With beautiful teeth, maybe I would be prompted to do as the men on the elevator told me: to “smile more.”

 

I was disgusted by the thought that men telling me to “smile more” or my classmates telling

me I had “resting bitch face,” affected me to the point where I spent so much time and money to maintain my teeth. I realized, it was not the men who prompted me to do this, but, it was society. I realized that I want to avoid a society that will view me as “mean,” “bossy,” “uptight,” or as a “bitch,” if I do not smile. I have been using this goal of having the perfect smile as a way to ensure that people saw me the way I wanted them to view me.

 

Why is it that we are afraid to be unhappy? And why are we afraid of people who are not smiling ear-to-ear? In my experience as a former cheerleader, more often than not, the people who are constantly smiling, acting as if everything in life is perfect, and try to “spread cheer” end up being the rudest, two-faced, and are overall, unfriendly. Most of my closest friends are people who are transparent about their feelings, emotions, thoughts, and who do not try to act as if they are incapable of being unhappy.

 

Since the start of the COVID-19 quarantine, I scroll through social media and see hundreds of posts that say things like “We can get through this together. Smile and stay positive!”, or people post a list of activities such as learning to bake, painting a house, or learning a new language, in order to keep our minds at ease. I have found those posts to be both annoying and frustrating.

 

As much as I strive to be optimistic about life, I am transparent about my thoughts. There is nothing positive about the COVID-19 pandemic. Students have been displaced, families are unable to say goodbye to loved-ones who are passing away, workers have lost their jobs and income, victims of domestic abuse are suffering at alarming rates while forced to be at home, and although there are many more horrible outcomes of this pandemic, ultimately, one of the most stressful parts of this pandemic, is that we are all living in constant wonder and fear of what lays ahead.

 

The people who are constantly posting that baking a pie is a great way to overcome the stress and misery of this pandemic are living in denial. Until I can go to the grocery store without wearing masks and gloves, or stop worrying about my 63-year-old parents or my 84-year-old grandmother contracting the virus and dying, know that I will be able to get a job or internship this summer, or know if I am able return to my beloved college campus next year to enjoy college life, see my friends, boyfriend, clubs, and my classes, I will continue to be stressed and unhappy.

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Since I have been stuck inside for the past two months, away from all aspects of my normal life, I have realized that it is completely healthy and normal for us not to smile. People are scared and worried, and there is no reason to sugarcoat our emotions.

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Perhaps to a society that values the perfect smile on a woman, being upset during this time is unattractive. Most likely, whenever this pandemic ends, I will return to smiling and will continue trying to achieve the perfect reporter smile.

 

Until then, I can only appreciate the people working on the frontlines of this pandemic. Many are women. Many are not smiling. But, that is ok. I think we should acknowledge that strong and determined people, no matter their race, identity, or sexuality, are beautiful. No smile necessary.