Breaking the Social Distancing Habit

A mini play By Robin Byars

Characters

​

Woman, any age, wearing stretched out leggings and a comfortable shirt.

 

Stomach, a voice from offstage.

 

At rise: Woman is sitting on a couch with her feet propped up on a coffee table watching television with a remote in one hand.

​

WOMAN

We're going to wear real pants today.

​

STOMACH

I thought we decided real pants were unnecessary.

​

WOMAN

No, we just weren't wearing real pants because we’re social

distancing. Nobody was going to see us anyway, so we might as well be comfortable.

​

STOMACH

I'm pretty sure real pants are out of fashion. I hardly ever see other stomachs wearing them anymore.

​

WOMAN

That’s just because they haven’t been around other people either. Now that we're going to be around other people again, we're going to have to start wearing real pants.

​

STOMACH

Other people are overrated.

​

WOMAN

Well, they have their good points. I sort of miss them.

​

STOMACH

I don’t. Why don't you got get those sour cream and onion chips that are hidden up in the cabinet over the stove.

​

WOMAN

I want it on the record that I didn't buy those. Husband did.

​

STOMACH

Then it's on him when you eat them all.

​

WOMAN

I’m not going to eat them all. I’ll just put some in a bowl. (Woman gets up and exits off stage)

​

STOMACH

(Raising her/his voice so woman can hear.) You'll just have to get up again. Why don’t you bring the bag? (Woman returns with a half-eaten bag of chips.)

​

WOMAN

Promise you’ll stop me before I eat them all.

​

STOMACH

I promise. Sit down on the couch and we can watch all five seasons of Outlander again. 

​

WOMAN

I shouldn't.

​

STOMACH

But just think how good it will feel to be stretched out with nothing to bind you when I start to chips.

​

WOMAN

Okay, maybe just one episode.

 

(Woman sits down, picks up the button) swell up from all those remote and pushes the button.

​

WOMAN

That Jamie’s cute, isn’t he?. There’s something sexy about a man wearing a kilt. I think it’s those hairy knees peaking out from under his skirt.

​

STOMACH

Men in kilts look sexy because they feel sexy. Their stomachs aren’t all squished up from wearing pants.

​

(Stomach belches loudly)

 

WOMAN

Did you just belch?

​

STOMACH

Yeah! So?

​

WOMAN

You’ve got to stop doing that. We’re going to be around other

people again soon, and you have to start acting normal.

​

STOMACH

Belching is normal.

 

WOMAN

But it’s not polite. And you have to stop farting at will. You can’t just let one rip whenever you feel like it. I’m not a twelve- year-old boy.

​

STOMACH

That’s not my department. You’ll have to talk to Colon about that.

​

WOMAN

Look, we have to get it together and start transitioning back to the real world. Tomorrow they’re starting phase one of the reopening plan, and we’re going to be around other people again.

​

STOMACH

You don't need other people to make you happy. You're better than that.

​

WOMAN

No, I miss other people, really.

​

STOMACH

Yeah, but are they worth all the trouble?

 

WOMAN

Tomorrow we're wearing real pants. We'll see.

 

STOMACH

We'll see.